MaRietTAsuZANnE and the GENERIC EVIL MONSTER
by Bad Jupiter NO
Summary: MaRietTA-suZANnE defeats the GENERIC EVIL MONSTER, Goten runs Nice Lessons, other things happen...
1. GENERIC EVIL MONSTER?

"Wow… what IS that thing? Hehe… it's all jiggly."

"That's a PERSON, Dad… A fat, ugly, naked person… Whoa, she's about 3 times the size of fat Majin Buu! Supreme Kai, I think this is the wrong room… or house… or planet… or… something...'

"No, we have the correct room. This is Susan Maria Smith. She is going to defeat the GENERIC EVIL MONSTER."

"WHAT?! Even I, the prince of all Saiyans, was unable to beat the GENERIC EVIL MONSTER! What can this disgusting blob of lard do that I cannot?!"

"She may be a disgusting blob of lard now, Vegeta, but I believe that once we get her back to our universe she will transform into the legendary MaRietTA-suZANnE."

"Marietta Suzanne?"

"No! MaRietTA-suZANnE, randomly capitalized protector of justice, beautifully hyphenated fighter of evil, magically…"

"I don't think you're supposed to be getting this excited over her just yet, Supreme Kai."

"Yeah… not unless you have a thing for fat chicks in party hats."

"That's a party hat? I thought it was a taco."

"No way! If it WAS a taco, she'd have eaten it by now!"

"Hell, I'm surprised she didn't eat it anyway…"

"Ewwww, she's waking up!"

Susan slowly opened her eyes to see Gohan, Vegeta, Kaioshin, Mirai Trunks and Goku standing around her bed.

"WTG? OMF! **BBQ**!!!" She exclaimed, jumping out of bed and dancing (well, I _assume _that that's what she was trying to do…) excitedly. The floorboards creaked in protest.

Trunks and Gohan were confused.

"What the… _God_?" said Trunks, questioningly.

"Oh my _fuck_…" Gohan whispered thoughtfully.

They turned to look at each other, identical expressions of doubt and distress on their faces.

**__**

"Barbeque?!"

~~~~~

While Trunks and Gohan pondered Susan's apparent inability to use simple acronyms correctly, everyone else was hypnotized by her undulating rolls of fat.

"Hot DBZ guys, in my room! Hot DBZ guys, in my room! _Hot_ DB_Z_ guys, in my _room_! _Hot_ DB_Z_ guys, in my _ROOM_!" She chanted psychotically, stamping her feet. Anything that happened to be in her path - a chair, some trees, the Empire State Building - she destroyed, after everything on Earth was gone she flew throughout the universe, still chanting and destroying things and ignoring the debris strewn in her wake…

… At least, she WOULD have done that, if a certain Saiyan hadn't caught her eye.

"What the…" Susan walked over to Vegeta.

"What is HE doing here?" she demanded, pointing to Goku, "he's not HOT!"

"Buh… Buh… Buh…" went Vegeta, trying not to throw up.

"GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!" screamed Susan at Goku.

"Hey, I'm the main character!" protested Goku, "You can't… wait a minute, leave? Sure!" He headed for the door.

"No way, Dad. If I'm staying, you're staying," said Gohan firmly, grabbing his arm.

"Darn," said Goku unhappily.

"Darn," agreed Susan, glaring at Goku, "Oh well… what are you guys doing here, anyway?"

"Our universe is being ravaged by the GENERIC EVIL MONSTER. We need you to stop it with the amazing powers you will develop as soon as we take you back to our universe," explained Kaioshin.

"Ohhhh… well, sorry, I only fight name brand evil."

"Actually, in our world GENERIC _is_ a name brand."

"Hmmm… If I actually beat this thing, can I have Trunks as a prize?"

"NO!" exclaimed Trunks, horrified.

"Oh. Well, can I bring my friends?"

"You don't _have _any friends."

"Could I make some with my amazing powers?"

"…Possibly," said Kaioshin. He was beginning to think that bringing this elephantine lunatic to a universe where she would be vastly powerful (instead of just vastly _vast_) might not be a very good idea.

There was a long pause, as Susan thought. It took her a while to come to a decision - she wasn't very good at thinking. After about half an hour, she had finally made up her mind.

"OK! I'll do it!"

"Hooray." said everyone, sarcastically.

"Can I have your taco?" asked Goku.


	2. Nice Lessons

So the Dragonball Z guys took Susan back to their universe. As predicted, she transformed into MaRietTA-suZANnE and easily destroyed the GENERIC EVIL MONSTER. Hooray.

"Great. Now send her back to her own universe." said Kibito flatly.

"But she's really pretty!" complained Rou Kaioshin, "And she's a _girl_... Can I keep her? Pleeeease?"

"SHE IS NOT REALLY PRETTY! Didn't you see her before she transformed? She was fat, and ugly, and she smelt of old cabbage, and…"

"Hey, I saved your universe," said MaRietTA-suZANnE, appearing in front of him. "You should be thankful."

"But _I_ wanted to save the universe this time, to prove to Kaioshin-sama that I'm better than _Gohaaan…_!" whined Kibito, then realised that he sounded like a child. "Uh… I mean…"

"You? Save the universe?" MaRietTA-suZANnE sounded surprised. "What could _you _have done? _Healed _the GENERIC EVIL MONSTER to death?"

"I could have… Um… Well… At least _I_ would never wear a _taco_ as a _hat_!" he answered pathetically. MaRietTA-suZANnE stared at him thoughtfully.

"You really need to start being nice to people, Kibito. I mean, you don't want to be Mr Grouchypants _forever_, do you?"

Kibito searched his brain for the right answer. There had to be _something_ he could say that wouldn't make him look childish…

"Yes."

That wasn't it.

MaRietTA-suZANnE stared at him some more. Then she sighed.

"OK. I'm going to refer you to a friend of mine, for some Nice Lessons." She smiled condescendingly. "He can also teach you how to be a grown-up, if you'd like."

She waved her hand, and Kibito disappeared.

~~~~~

"Hi, Mr Kibito! Remember me? It's me, Goten!"

"What? Goten? What are you… oh, no…"

"I'm going to teach you how to be NICE!" exclaimed Goten, "This is going to be so much fun! … Now, do you want to play with the fire truck first, or the red car? Mr Kibito?"

~~~~~

"Kibito needs Nice Lessons," said Rou Kaioshin, wandering over to where everyone else was sitting.

"Nice… Lessons?" Goku was confused, as usual. "Well… uh… I _guess_ that's a good idea…"

Kaioshin thought for a while, then decided to have a flashback.

(NOTE: The author apologizes for the following bad pun/Simpsons reference)

~~~flashback~~~

Lenny: So long, mental plan! 

Kaioshin: We had a mental plan?

Carl: Oh, yeah. It covered treatment for all mental illnesses, as well as any personality - improving lessons anyone living on the same planet as you might need!

~~~/flashback~~~

Lenny and Rou Kaioshin's voices echoed in non-Rou Kaioshin's head.

"Mental plan!"

"Kibito needs Nice Lessons."

"Mental plan!"

"Kibito needs Nice Lessons."

"Mental plan!"

"Kibito needs Nice Lessons."

"Mental plan!"

"Kibito needs Nice Lessons."

"Mental plan!"

"Kibito needs Nice Lessons."

"Oh, Kibito can pay for his own Nice Lessons," said Kaioshin, shaking his head to get rid of the voices. He looked up.

"AAAH!"

"Hello." said MaRietTA-suZANnE, standing over him. "You're pretty. Would you like to be a princess?"

"What?!"

"First you'll need a nice dress…" she said waving her hand at him. "Then…"

Kaioshin looked down. "AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" He was wearing a _dress_. A frilly pink dress. With sequins. He tried to hide behind Kibito, but regretted it instantly - since Kibito was still at the Nice Lesson he ended up doing an inane little dance.

"No, princesses dance like _this_," said MaRietTA-suZANnE, doing exactly the same inane little dance. "Anyway, let's go find you a nice prince to marry!"

"What? Prince? You mean Vegeta?" asked Goku, "…Hey, why are you glaring at me like that? Guys?"

~~~~~

"NOW will you send her back to her own universe?" hissed Vegeta. MaRietTA-suZANnE had made him put on something that she thought would be a good wedding garment for a prince: another dress. It was the same style as Kaioshin's, but blue.

"It's not that simple, Vegeta," said Kaioshin, sadly, "She is a lot more powerful now than she was in her universe, and…"

"Hey, no looking at the bride before the actual wedding!" exclaimed MaRietTA-suZANnE. She dragged Kaioshin off, planning to hide him somewhere.

"Hmmm… let's try this closet!" she opened it, and was shocked to find that it was already occupied by Gohan and Trunks.

"Ummm… it's not what it looks like!"

"Yeah, it's, um…"

"Whatever it is, it isn't nice!" Waving her hand, MaRietTA-suZANnE sent them away.

~~~~~

Gohan and Trunks arrived at the Nice Lesson to find that, unsurprisingly, Kibito and Goten were not making out.

"Hey, look Gohan, Kibito isn't making out with your brother." commented Trunks

"…What?…" said Gohan

"Please… somebody… kill me now…" muttered Kibito.


End file.
